The Akatsuki Kid
by HalfMagyk
Summary: Itami, a teenager who was adopted into Akatsuki at the age of ten for his bloodline limit, decides to make a game out of annoying every member. No, this is not serious. Rated T for language mostly.


A/N I warn you now, this is complete crack XD Not meant to be taken seriously. I KNOW it's not canon. At least I'm not using Mary Sues, right?

Akatsuki all belong to Kishimoto-sama.

Itami's mine. XD

"What do you mean, you're leaving?" I said, in the snottiest voice I could muster. I leaned back in my chair and let it come crashing down on the stone floor in protest.

Pein, whom I affectionately referred to as "Dad" (all right, maybe it was more to annoy him than to show my affection) shot me a look. "I _mean_ that Konan and I are going to go do some work to further out knowledge of the remaining bijuu."

"_I_ think you mean that you and Mom are going to go find a nice place to eat, then rent a room at an inn for a couple of nights. Am I right, Dad?" I smirked.

"All right, you rotten little bastard, I don't care if you refer to Konan as 'Mom,' but I am not, and will NEVER BE your father. You are to call me Leader-sama and nothing else."

"But Dad, don't you care that I love you enough to consider you my father?" I said, not meaning a word of it but managing to make my voice sound innocent nonetheless.

Pein made a move as if to strangle me, but Konan put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a warning glance. She whispered something, and I caught "Itami" and "temper."

Pein closed his eyes and sighed. "Let's go," he said, and left the room with Konan in tow.

"Great," I muttered. "What am I going to do now, shut up in this goddamn cave that serves as a hideout. I'm never gonna get anywhere living in this fuckin' freak house."

"Tch, a kid who thinks he can swear like a man. You make me sick sometimes," said a voice from the doorway.

I looked up. Figured, it was Kisame the amazing shark man. "I could say the same for you, Fishface," I snarled. "What are you doing here anyway? Your weaselly boyfriend dump you?"

Fishface's tiny eyes narrowed and his hand instinctively reached for the sword on his back. "You little brat," he spat at me.

"Oh please, you can do better than that. And that oversized razor doesn't scare me," I added, as his grip tightened on Samehada.

"Why does the leader even keep you around?" Fishface growled.

"Because I can do this," I said, looking directly at him and forming a seal with my hands.

Fishface flinched. "Don't!" he said fiercely.

I smirked. "Did I scare the fishy? Oops." I got out of my chair and pushed by Kisame. "I'm outta here, so go shave yourself with that sword of yours or something," I said, taking that final jab at him before leaving the room.

Walking down the hall, I took stock of what had happened. Not a bad job on the whole, I mused. If I make this a game, that's one insulted, seven to go.

Immersed in thought, I didn't even notice the mass of black and red moving toward me and bumped right into Uchiha Itachi.

_Guess I better make it six to go_, I thought nervously. Of everyone in the Akatsuki, Itachi was the only one who filled me with genuine fear. I knew Itachi could kick my ass but good, whether I used my kekkei genkai or not.

"Uh—uh—sorry," I stuttered, looking at my feet.

"Itami." He wasn't addressing me, it was simply a statement. I knew those red eyes were trained at me, and I did my best not to look at them.

"S-sorry," I said again, trying to edge past him without touching him, quite a feat in a hall made for one person rather than a smallish man and a teenager trying to avoid him.

"Have you seen Kisame."

His habit of saying everything as a random sentence rather than a question was bugging me, but I didn't dare say anything.

"Uh—er—Fishfa—I mean, Kisame, he—well—he's in—he was in my room, I mean—he was in—a minute ago—" Boy, did he scare the shit outta me.

When Itachi wordlessly continued down the hall, I practically ran in the other direction. My hurried footsteps had never seemed so loud.

I reached the end of the hall where it opened into another room, a sort of rest area. I collapsed into the only chair and let out the breath that I had been holding.

"Out of my chair, Itami," I heard from above me. It was the Kakuzu the Money Freak.

"Why?" I said.

"Because if you don't I will strangle you."

I laughed. "You don't scare me, Moneybags. Go sit in some other chair."

"There ARE no other chairs in this room!"

"Then what makes this one yours?"

"Because I bought it."

I widened my eyes dramatically. "You mean you actually buy things sometimes? Wow. I'm really amazed, Gramps."

"You sarcastic little turd, get your ass out of my chair!"

I smiled widely. "Make me."

Kakuzu closed his eyes and sighed. It seemed to be what most people did to keep from killing me. "Do you realize that I can most likely find someone willing to buy you from me?"

"I'm not yours to sell, Gramps."

"And that doesn't affect a thing." Money Freak said. I knew there was most likely an evil smile under that ridiculous headgear of his.

"Then go ahead and sell me," I said. "Like whoever you sell me to won't demand their money back after a day or two."

"We'll see about that," Kakuzu muttered, stalking away. Most likely to calculate how much I was worth. Hah, if he thought he was going to sell me, he'd have Konan to answer to, if not my loving Dad.

But that didn't matter, since the score in the end was Itami, 2, everyone else, 0. I refused to count Itachi in this.

Time to go actively looking for more victims. I stood up and pushed the chair aside, toppling it for good measure. Take that, Money Freak.

As I walked down the hall leading away from the room, I pondered whom my next victim should be. The Talking Flytrap? Miss Sensitive Artist? Mask Boy?

Ah. The Jashinator, I decided, seeing him through the half-open door to his room.

"Greetings, Jashin Dude," I proclaimed, strolling into the room.

Hidan was in the middle of one of his rituals, sitting all bloody in the middle of his circle with his eyes shut.

"Having fun there, sport?" I asked, tiptoeing into the circle and giving him a poke.

He growled at me.

"Look, Jashinator, I don't understand what grrrrrr means. I personally don't believe in gods that force you into masochism, so I don't know your lingo. But that's just me."

"Leave me alone, you goddamn motherfucker."

"Um, no, I swear I haven't touched Konan in any way that I shouldn't. You're confusing me with Dad. I mean, Leader-sama."

"What part of "leave me alone" don't you understand, you bastard?"

"Uhhhh…" I tapped my chin thoughtfully. "Probably the "leave" part. I dunno. You tell me."

"Shut the fuck up and get out of my damn room."

"Have you ever thought about how corruptive you're being? You're teaching a teenage kid words that he should never be using. Just a few minutes ago Kisame was telling me—"

"GET OUT!" Hidan yelled, shifting in his circle.

"Oh no! You moved, Jashinator! I don't think that Jashin will be very pleased with that!"

This was fun, but admittedly there was no challenge. Hidan wouldn't move until his ritual was over, no matter what, so he was an easy target. If the challenge or the target is gone, it's time to move on.

"It's been fun, Religion Man, but I gotta go. Hope to see you soon." I turned to leave, but before I left the room I looked at Hidan again. "Hail Jarshian!" I said, lifting my arm into a mock salute.

"It's JASHIN!" I heard Hidan yell before the door to his room slammed shut.

That had been refreshing. Easy, but refreshing. Time to tackle my final targets.

"Good evening, Madame," I said, walking into Miss Artist's room and taking an exaggerated bow.

"You're not going to get to me this time, hm," Deidara said.

I had trouble thinking of Deidara as a male, so I preferred to call him "Miss," "Madame," and, occasionally, "my Lovely."

"And what are we creating today, Miss? Another beautiful waste?"

"WASTE?"

I pretended to act surprised. "But of course. You're using up valuable clay and a good amount of talent on something that lasts less than two seconds. Sound like a waste to me."

"It's art, you unappreciative idiot. If there's a waste around here, it's you. You're a waste of our time, effort, and that kekkei genkai of yours. If we had found you out there now, instead of two years ago, you'd be dead right now."

"If only, eh?" I asked. "Too bad I'm not that go-along kid anymore. Now I'm a nasty, acid-tongued teenager." I grinned.

Deidara was certainly going to be a tough one, considering his good comebacks. But if you factored in his short temper…

"Get out of my sight, freak," he spat at me.

"Oh, that hurts coming from the guy with two extra mouths, one eye, and overly long hair."

"Ignore him, ignore him…" I heard Deidara say under his breath.

"Oh, no, is Akatsuki's little beauty talking to herself now? I hope she's not insane."

Deidara glared at me. "If I am, it's your fault. Get out before I murder you."

"Oh, you wish. You'd never lay a hand on me. Mom and Dad would fry you."

"Running to Mommy and Daddy now, are we?" Deidara taunted.

_Ooh, he's good_, I thought.

"Well, that's not the only reason you won't kill me."

"Oh really."

I smirked. "Yeah, it's also my fiendishly good looks. Girls like you can't resist."

It took me two seconds to get out after I saw the spider crawl across the table.

When it exploded, I couldn't resist poking my head into the room to see the aftermath. Deidara was scowling as he smoothed down his hair.

"Spoiled your pretty locks, did you?" I said.

Then I ran like hell.

Two to go. Plant Man was next.

"Hey there, how are you?" I said, walking into his room. "I'm doing a survey on everyone in this organization. How does it feel to be the ugliest thing in the Akatsuki?"

Zetsu stared at me.

I suddenly felt uneasy.

"Uh, thank you and enjoy you day, er, night, uh, whatever."

Okay, I wasn't counting Plant Dude either.

Mask Buddy's turn.

I visited his room, but it turned out he wasn't there, so I shrugged and decided this could wait. For the time being, I could go back to my room and take a break.

Only when I got there, Tobi was sitting on my bed and reading a book.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him.

"Oh!" Tobi said, surprised. "Hello, Itami-san. How are you today?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Staring at a book."

"You mean reading?"

"Nope."

"Oh." I stood and stared at Mask Boy for a minute. My mind felt blank. What had I been thinking of? Oh yes. "But why in my room?"

"Because my room doesn't have this book in it."

My mind felt blank again. Maybe I just wasn't following his logic.

Why did I need Tobi again? Oh, yes, it was his turn to be annoyed.

"So, are you really as stupid as you seem or are you an amazing actor?" I said.

_Shabby, Itami_, I thought to myself. I couldn't help it. My mind wasn't working correctly.

"Huh?" Mask Boy said, tilting his head.

"Uh…" I couldn't think of a thing to say. "Um…"

Maybe it was the mask. Yes, that swirly orange thing was the cause of it all. If I could get rid of it…

"I'm going to go now," Tobi said happily. He put the book on my table and left the room before I could move.

_Maybe this is what people mean when they say they don't suffer fools easily, _I thought.

I wasn't counting Tobi either.

Collapsing on my bed, I decided that I did pretty well all in all. Now I could take a well-deserved break.

There was a knock on my door. "Yeah?" I said. Maybe it was Pein and Konan, back early because they felt guilty leaving me alone with the pack of ruffians living here.

The door swung open, and standing there were Kisame, Kakuzu, Hidan, and Deidara.

"I found out how much you're worth, Itami," Kakuzu said.

I gulped.

"And we've decided it's about time that you…knew a place besides this goddamn cave, right?" Kisame grinned, exposing his freaky sharp teeth.

"Maybe you'll meet a few girls, hm," Deidara said with a self-satisfied smile.

They advanced toward me, and I backed up against the wall. "Hey, hey, guys, can't we settle this in a more kid-friendly way?"

"Don't worry, this will hurt quite a bit," Hidan raised his scythe.

I found myself regretting that I had ever started that stupid game.

A/N Well, hope you got a laugh or two out of it. The ending's a pretty drastic change from the rest of it, huh? 0.0 If you R&R, thank you.


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